Awfully Good

Just because I don’t sympathize for you, and don’t run to your aid every time you think your world is crashing before your eyes? If you need me to listen, I’m there. Don’t hesitate, no judgement. I used to think this was enough, but apparently it isn’t. No, I’ll be straight up. When people look at you with sadness in their eyes and pity you because of what you’ve been through, you can count me out. You don’t deserve pity, you deserve confidence. You need to be able to overcome your own obstacles or you’ll never be able to grow.

People overlook me and believe I have no problems, no issues or that I don’t/won’t understand. When in reality I do, probably better than everyone else does. I was there, I know. But the difference between you and me is that I don’t need to announce my problems to the world, I don’t need to be saved. You’ll soon begin to realize that what everyone else has to say doesn’t matter. I’ve learned to deal with my issues, and I know that you can too. There won’t always be somebody there to pick you up, you have to learn to put yourself back together.

I have confidence in you. I’ll believe in you, even when you don’t believe in yourself.

You shouldn’t, but you still do. It’s all you look forward to in your life nowadays. Why shouldn’t you be happy? You’ve dealt with a lot of shit in your life. Don’t you deserve it? It’s not your fault that he’s the only one who can make you happy. Why does the happiness of others always have to come before yours?  ”Why do I have to stop?”

Finally, it’s what you’ve been waiting for. The day when his family leaves and he has the house all to himself. Just for you and him. You’ve known about this for awhile. How could you not? He tells you everything, he calls you all the time. You love how much he cares, that he is always there to listen. He’s the keeper to all your secrets, even the ones your own blood relatives don’t know. You’re looking forward to him. His body heat warming you from your fingertips through to your toes. Not his voice going through an impersonal phone line telling you his most personal thoughts, but him laying next to you inbetween the sheets where you don’t have to hide your feelings. Where there is no judgement but only your love pent up over time exchanged in moments of passion, even if it is forbidden.

Its 1AM and you have people waiting for you at home, but you don’t care. “His bed is my home.” His arms are your home. It doesn’t matter that in times other then these few, someone else is in your exact place. In fact you think you can still smell a hint of her shampoo. These stolen moments are precious and the memories are what keep you going. You know you shouldn’t stay, but you can’t bring yourself to leave. You send a quick text to let them know not to expect you until morning. They know what’s happening, it’s obvious. You won’t admit it though, let them draw their own conclusions. No one needs to know what happens behind those closed doors except for you and him. It’s your secret and though it won’t last, why change now? 

How fast a month pasts. You hate how you feel afterwards but it’s alright. You’re used to it by now. After all it’s been years since you’ve first took part in this. He was a long lost friend who showed up at the right time in your life and you were so alone. You needed companionship, support and he was there to offer it. You were hesitant at first, taking little steps. What would your family think? This is wrong. 

He invites you over to dinner, says there are presents. You shouldn’t go but you don’t want to seem rude. You show up to this place you ventured many times before. In fact you even helped him move in. He opens the door and seems excited to see you. Almost as though he hasn’t seen you in ages. His wife comes out of the kitchen and gives you a hug. You ask how was her trip. “Did the kids enjoy it too?” You stay for dinner and listen to her many stories of her month long summer vacation. You thank her kids for the gifts they picked out specifically for you. Nobody seems suspicious of anything, after all you’re a family friend. They know you. They have no idea. 

He walks you out to your car because it’s a bad neighborhood. At first you politely decline, but he insists. She insists. You thank his wife for the meal and the gifts, say goodbye to his kids, and head out into the cold with him. You reach your car and you mentally kick yourself for not parking farther. He opens the door for you and before you pull away, he leans in for a kiss. You’re in his neighborhood, and someone could recognize him. You know you shouldn’t, but you still do. 

I find this extremely difficult because I usually say what I want to say, but let’s try this anyway.

1. Okay, I get it. You don’t like me, but at least attempt to be civil. How about instead of talking shit about me behind my back, be a man about it and tell me how you feel to my face so that I don’t have to pretend that I like you. 

2. Stop being so reckless. You’re my friend but you need to grow up. If you constantly find yourself in a bad situation, isn’t it obvious that you’re making the wrong choices? Yeah, I know you don’t want to hear it. Which is why I don’t bother saying anything anymore, but please get a hold of yourself.

3. I wish we could talk more often, and that you’re keeping strong without him there with you. I miss and love you.

4. You’re so judgmental and really fake sometimes. We used to be inseparable and you wonder why I don’t call anymore. It’s because I can’t stand your two-faced bitchiness, and you know what? No one really cares what you think, so you should at least attempt to be nice. You aren’t in a position to judge everyone around you and nobody is asking you too. Stop being so hypocritical.

5. It’s kind of sad how desperate you are. Yeah, I love you but it’s so hard to hang out with you when you’re so bipolar. You’re mature, caring, and an awesome friend one second and the next you’re irrational, jerky, and only caring about getting into another girl’s pants. Just chill, nobody is judging you. 

6. We used to be best friends, or at least I thought so. I loved hanging out with you. Your energy and personality is intoxicating. Many others didn’t get you, but I couldn’t get enough of you. When we did hang out, I never stopped laughing. It’s too bad it had to end, and I don’t even understand why.

7. When will you realize that you are only hurting yourself? When you’re constantly second guessing yourself and losing part of yourself, that is when you have to question your actions. If you’re in bad situation, you need to realize it and take yourself out of something that can’t be fixed. Yeah nobody is perfect, but if you start smudging your boundary lines, when will you know when it’s time to stop?

8. I love you but you drive me insane. You need to stop worrying so much about what people think about you and how people have wronged you in the past. Let go of your inhibitions and discover yourself. You’re capable of greatness but you’ll never let yourself achieve it if you’re constantly calculating every action of yours and others around you. Past, present, and future.

9. Yes, I won’t take back what I’ve said. You are a stranger to me and have been one all my life. It’s ironic since you helped to create it. I hate how you have taken my words and twisted them into something so hurtful and tainted the thoughts of those who have raised me. I’m not sorry, but you should be.

10. It’s crazy how fast I fell when we first met and I didn’t even know your name. When we got together it was like some cheesy Asian drama, but you were a lot of my firsts and probably set a precedent for all my other relationships. It’s too bad we don’t speak anymore and I think it would be safe to say that it’s been years since I’ve seen you. I hope you’re doing okay.

Hey Grandpa,

It’s been awhile. I miss you. I didn’t take advantage of your company when you were around and it’s something I regret. You helped raise me into the person I am today by working day in and day out as a restaurant cook. I should have taken advantage of the little free time you had and listened to the stories you had to share or the wisdom you had to offer, but instead I complained when you asked for foot massages or to help with household chores. I drowned you out when I was watching my favorite television shows and you were making my favorite dishes on an early Sunday morning.

You were out of my life so fast, and I was too young to understand what death was. As you were laying on your deathbed millions of miles away, I still thought things were going to work out for the best, because you were my Grandpa. You were my rock. You were invincible, but I was so wrong. I just wish that you had the chance to see the kind of woman I will grow to become, and be proud of what you helped to shape. It hurts to know that I wasn’t able to be there and support you when you needed it as you did for me throughout most of my childhood. 

I still think of you and wonder if you’ll ever forgive me. I love you.

Your Granddaughter, 
Jennie